Do you often have ‘bad skin days’? Those days you just don’t want to go out because of acne.
What if I told you those bad skin days are just in your head? That you create all those bad feeling, and you could just stop doing it.
That everyday could be what I call a ‘happy skin day’. I don’t mean that your skin would be perfect everyday but that no matter what your skin looks like you could be happy and optimistic. That you could face people with confidence and look them into eyes - even if acne carpet bombed your face the previous night.
Would you smack me on the head and call me an idiot, or would you want to know more?
If you want to know more, read on. If you choose to smack me on the head… well… luckily you can’t find me, but feel free to use the comment section to express yourself.
OK, I realize that may sound like a ridiculous claim. That you could be happy no matter what your skin looks like. If so, let it be ok. Because I’m going to tell you something 99.99% of the population doesn’t know.
All emotions are self created.
Whatever you happen to feel you created it yourself. Maybe it happened unconsciously. You may not know how you did it. It may have happened so quickly that it looks like the outside events caused those emotions. It may have happened against your conscious will; you may not want those emotions.
Nevertheless, you created those emotions and feelings.
You probably think I’ve smoked way too much pot lately and hallucinate these crazy theories.
Well, despite what you think of my drug habits, do this little thought experiment with me. It shows you that you do create your emotions, and a bit of how you create them.
I want you to think of a time when you were out in a public place and started feeling bad because of the way some stranger looked at you. You know just from the way they looked at you, you knew they were looking at your acne. And that made you feel bad.
We’ve all been through a situation like that. So just allow one to pop into your mind. And if you can’t think of any, just imagine one. Just imagine that you are in a public place and some stranger just looks at you a bit too long. And you know they look at you because of your acne.
How does thinking of that situation make you feel? Pretty bad I can bet.
Now let’s twist things around a bit. Imagine the same situation, but in that case imagine that the person was checking you out. That they were interested of you. Of course make sure that the person is of legal age and attractive to you.
How does that feel? I bet it feel different. Maybe even good.
So here we have two identical situations with completely opposite emotional outcomes. One made you feel bad; the other made you feel good.
You know what was different about these two situations?
Assumption = meaning = feelings
If you said your assumptions about the situation, good thinking. In one case you assumed the person was disgusted because of your acne, while in the other you assumed they were attracted to you.
“But I know they were looking at my acne“, you may object. “I just can’t hallucinate through my life that everyone who looks at my acne is attracted to me.”
Well, did you really know they were looking at your acne? I mean, did you go and ask them ‘Hey are you looking at my acne? Is it really that horrible?’
No you didn’t ask them. You just assumed they were looking at your acne, or to use your words, you hallucinated it.
And you don’t have to imagine everyone is attracted to you - though it might do good for your self-esteem since most of us imagine strangers think we are ugly. To stop creating bad feelings you just have to stop hallucinating those bad things.
Let me explain how this works so you’ll understand it a bit better.
Most people think emotions work like this: event –> emotions. Meaning something happens and that something causes the emotion(s).
How you create your emotions
Well that’s how it looks, but there’s one more step. Here’s how the process really works: event –> subconscious filtering –> emotion.
In reality all external events have no meaning. They are like a blank canvas. In our example the event was some stranger looking at you. Stop, the end. That’s what happened, and that has no meaning until you assign meaning to it. And that’s what these subconscious filters do (among other things). They assign meaning to whatever happens to you based on your past experiences.
I call these filters your Internal Map of Reality. That’s a term I learned from Bill Harris at Centerpointe.com. Your beliefs, values, ethics, language and memories are examples of these filters.
Without going into detail how these filters work they delete, distort and generalize whatever happens to you so that it confirms to your beliefs, past experiences and image of yourself.
You couldn’t go through life without this subconscious filtering. Here’s a simple example of how they help you.
Say you check into a hotel room in a city you’ve never been to, perhaps even in a foreign country. Could you open the door to your room? Of course you do. Because even though you’ve never seen that door before your mind has plenty of experience with doors. So it generalizes, and it could go something like this ‘This is a door. Doors usually open like this. Nope, didn’t work. OK sometimes they open the other way. Great that worked’.
It can also work the other way. Let’s say you had a problem with an authority figure while you were young. If it was dramatic enough, or happened many times, you concluded that authority figures are potentially dangerous. So when you see one, a cop for example, you get a bit stressed. You feel there’s something you need to watch out for. Your mind pulls those past experiences to warn you about this potentially dangerous situation.
Now let’s say you have some self-esteem issues (like we all do). Perhaps you don’t think you are that attractive or lovable. You might even think acne makes you unattractive or unlovable. So when you see some stranger looking at you your mind takes that information and deletes, distorts and generalizes it until it fits the way you see yourself. If you believe you are unlovable your mind fits the external event your belief by assuming they were looking at your acne. Out of the thousands of possible interpretations it picks the one that fits your beliefs.
Any evidence to the contrary is immediately deleted and distorted. So if (s)he actually comes and talks to you, you immediately assume the worst.
This is the exact same process people use to convince themselves that aliens have taken over their fridge, urging them to prepare for the arrival of the mother ship. If there’s a scratch on the milk carton the aliens made it - no matter that there’s also a cat in the house.
This same process fuels all the food fights, politically correct term is diet debates, that rage in forums and in the media. People have gotten their heads so wrapped around the idea that their diet is the only right one. Whenever a supporting study comes out they parade it like it would be the definitive word of God. Whereas opposing studies are immediately accused of having serious flaws and biased researches who fudged the numbers. Therefore such studies cannot be trusted. No matter that the same flaws and bias probably apply to the study they believed.
You only see what you believe.
So how does this relate to your acne and happiness?
If acne makes you feel miserable (even a little) it’s because of your Internal Map of Reality. Something that happened to you in the past caused you to form unresourceful beliefs about yourself. Those memories often have a lot of emotional charge (I like to call it emotional garbage). When triggered your mind drags that emotional garbage from past memories into your current experience. And you get the benefit of feeling lousy.
You know the saying pushes his/her buttons? This is the meaning behind it. We all have these buttons that the world just keeps pushing. Those buttons are ‘wired’ (in your subconscious) into negative memories. When pushed your mind drags the emotional garbage from your past into now, and you act accordingly. That’s why some people can get very angry from seemingly small things. It’s not that the event was such a big thing, it’s the fact that the button was wired into lots of emotional garbage.
The same thing happens to you when you make yourself feel bad.
The event that ‘made’ you feel bad is often not such a big thing. It’s that it triggered so many emotional memories from the past. Taking cue from those memories your mind then layers the event with negative meaning so that you can experience even more of that emotional garbage.
OK, so far this has been interesting theory, but let’s move onto how to use this to make yourself feel better. Into creating those happy skin days.
Theory into practice
With few reasonably simple mental processes you can ‘deactivate’ your buttons, clip the wires. So that even if something pushes the button it doesn’t lead to all the emotional garbage and your mind layering negative meaning on the events. Instead the event remains neutral. Someone looking at you and nothing more. And you don’t have to go through all the bad feelings.
The detailed explanation of this is just too much to cover in a blog post. Just the bare boned and practical how-to explanation took me 40 pages. And few audio-files to guide you through the mental processes. That’s essentially my upcoming book. It doesn’t have a name yet, but maybe I’ll call it Happy Skin Days: How to be happy and optimistic before you get clear. Few of my customers are currently testing the draft version and getting great results.
Anyway, this is not just a sales pitch for the new book. I’m going to give you something very valuable here.
The root of the problem is that this whole thing happens unconsciously. As long as it happens unconsciously there’s not much you can do about it. Your first challenge is to know it happens. And then to start noticing when and how it happens. To start noticing the situations that make you feel bad.
Your focus creates your feelings. When you focus (think) on someone looking at your acne and feeling ugly you get to feel bad. Focusing that you are attractive and lovable makes you feel good. Luckily your focus is always under your control. Most people just don’t exercise that control. Their focus runs on autopilot.
Your biggest challenge is to notice when the autopilot drags your focus on something negative and then consciously choose to focus on something positive.
Practical steps to happiness
Here’s a good way to do it. Carry some 3 by 5 cards without all the time. When you start feeling bad make a note of the situation. Look at what was going through your head that time (what you were thinking) and make a note of it. Do this every time you start feeling bad.
Since your focus runs on autopilot initially you won’t catch yourself very often. But as you keep up with it you train your mind to recognize these situations and bring them to your awareness. Once in your awareness you can consciously choose what to focus on. Little by little you start gaining more control over your emotions.
Lily’s success story
And once those buttons are gone incredible things can happen. Lily has been testing my upcoming book, and here’s what she wrote to me.
well, the incredible has actually happened! I am very happy to say that I managed to change my belief about how embarrassing it is to have skin problems and having to hide from people! I tried the folder swapping technique on Friday evening (before going to be) and I felt a bit relieved afterwards, which at the time was a bit weird to think about. I wrote down an affirmation about that particular belief and it’s like I woke up a different person the following day.
I am not even thinking about my skin’s condition anymore, I wear clothes without considering that I have to hide my chest behind big jumpers/coats etc and for the first time in years I refuse to cover up any spots/redness with makeup. It’s like I don’t care about it anymore…or rather I am accepting who I am with my flaws and everything! And what’s more, I don’t even get worked up or depressed when I see other women around me with flawless skin…I think they are lucky but it does not get to me! I just look in the mirror and smile regardless of what my skin looks like… The last time I remember feeling/behaving in such a way was when I was on Accutane (it did really produce some amazing results at the time).
All I’m saying is that for the last 4 days I have felt liberated and relieved…not only because I don’t obsess about my skin (I am following the clear for life guidelines because we all want to be cleared of acne in the end-I’m just not letting this affect me and make me miserable) but also because I feel happy with who I am!
Be well,
Seppo
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Clear for Life - The lifestyle for health, happiness and clear skin